Review: “Red Bull Simply Cola”

"Strong & Natural"

For the past few weeks, something strange has been eying me from the shelves of my local convenience store.  Upon first inspection it appeared to be an inverted Red Bull can, but upon investigation I discovered that it was some new concoction known as “Red Bull: Simply Cola.”

My congratulations to the fine folks at the makers of Red Bull, for surely they knew that I could not resist any soda that branded itself as being “STRONG & NATURAL.”  So, after spending an ungodly $1.68 for this oddity I slogged in up to my room to test it in the company of my roommates.

As I popped the top I was surprised to be met not by the pungent smell of Red Bull and instead something akin to generic soda.  A good sign, I thought to myself as I took the first sip.  Again, I was surprised to taste the familiar taste of generic store brand soda.  I began to say “it tastes like soda!” when I was hit with a strange synthetic lemon flavor.  It wasn’t too strong, and I dare say it almost went well with the cola flavor.

That is until I made the mistake of taking a breath.  What followed was the most bitter, uncomfortable sensation my mouth had been subject to since my first experience with Lemongrass.  I resolved that the revolting aftertaste was akin to what I imagine would be the experience of eating old licorice dipped in coffee.  From that moment on, the licorice coffee aftertaste has colored each subsequent sip I’ve taken.  Now I have a sort of sickly feeling in the bottom of my gut, strong indeed.

A quick glance at the ingredients has yielded the following results: vanilla, mustard seed(!), lime, cola nut, cocao, licorice(!), cinnamon, lemon, ginger, coca leaf, orange, corn mint, pine(!!), Cardamom, mace(!!!), and Clove.

The final word: this vile concoction is an insult to my mouth and everything that tastes good in this world.  Avoid it at all costs.

Additional Reads:
The AV Club’s Taste Test article on the dreaded cola
The Official Red Bull Cola website