Review: “Red Bull Simply Cola”
"Strong & Natural"
For the past few weeks, something strange has been eying me from the shelves of my local convenience store. Upon first inspection it appeared to be an inverted Red Bull can, but upon investigation I discovered that it was some new concoction known as “Red Bull: Simply Cola.”
My congratulations to the fine folks at the makers of Red Bull, for surely they knew that I could not resist any soda that branded itself as being “STRONG & NATURAL.” So, after spending an ungodly $1.68 for this oddity I slogged in up to my room to test it in the company of my roommates.
As I popped the top I was surprised to be met not by the pungent smell of Red Bull and instead something akin to generic soda. A good sign, I thought to myself as I took the first sip. Again, I was surprised to taste the familiar taste of generic store brand soda. I began to say “it tastes like soda!” when I was hit with a strange synthetic lemon flavor. It wasn’t too strong, and I dare say it almost went well with the cola flavor.
That is until I made the mistake of taking a breath. What followed was the most bitter, uncomfortable sensation my mouth had been subject to since my first experience with Lemongrass. I resolved that the revolting aftertaste was akin to what I imagine would be the experience of eating old licorice dipped in coffee. From that moment on, the licorice coffee aftertaste has colored each subsequent sip I’ve taken. Now I have a sort of sickly feeling in the bottom of my gut, strong indeed.
A quick glance at the ingredients has yielded the following results: vanilla, mustard seed(!), lime, cola nut, cocao, licorice(!), cinnamon, lemon, ginger, coca leaf, orange, corn mint, pine(!!), Cardamom, mace(!!!), and Clove.
The final word: this vile concoction is an insult to my mouth and everything that tastes good in this world. Avoid it at all costs.
Additional Reads:
The AV Club’s Taste Test article on the dreaded cola
The Official Red Bull Cola website
Review: Body of Lies
Before going to a screening of director Ridley Scott’s most recent film, “Body of Lies,” I told a friend that I had low expectations for the picture because Scott had shown himself with “American Gangster” to be the master of well shot, decently acted mediocrity. Perhaps it’s time I gave Mr. Scott a bit more credit, because what I found with “Lies” was a solid, well made thriller.
“Lies” stars Leonardo DiCaprio as Roger Farris, a CIA operative working covert ops in the Middle East while being simultaneously directed and undermined by his superior, family man and all around asshole Ed Hoffman (Russell Crowe). The story follows the basic outline of a good political thriller, with all the requisite twists and turns. Like “Black Hawk Down,” the film tries to present a certain level of realism and grit. At times, this aesthetic works to an almost sickening effect, such as a torture scene which I imagine will cause many an audience member to flinch. However, there are points that seem to serve no further purpose than to display Scott’s deft ability to present well crafted, yet thematically unnecessary action scenes.
DiCaprio, despite sporting a bizarre southern accent (imagine a cross between his characters in “Blood Diamond” and “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”) and a beard I imagine he grew because he lost a bet, plays Ferris with enough charm, charisma and, dare I say, gravitas to make the character like-able, though wholly unbelievable–but we’ll come to that in a moment.
The film is not without its shortcomings though. Crowe, for example, plays Hoffman like a fat, aging cowboy in search of a rodeo. This is all well and good for his first few scenes, where is he is usually on the phone, giving his lines while he drives his kids to school or something to that effect. But as the film progresses and we find Crowe in scenes where he and DiCaprio must be in the same place, it becomes almost painfully apparent that he is not playing at the same level as DiCaprio. Crowe is also outshined by the majority of the supporting cast, particularly Mark Strong as the head of Jordanian Intelligence.
In addition, DiCaprio’s character is, as I previously mentioned, wholly unbelievable. For the majority of the film, the character moves through his duties without any sense of prejudice or cultural ignorance. The character has a “let’s all be friends” mentality that seems more fitting of someone working for Greenpeace, rather than the CIA. In addition, for a film that labors to be as gritty and real as this one, Scott squandered the chance to give what would have been a more powerful, thematically rich, and utterly uncompromising ending. Instead of following through with the climax, Scott opted to go the Deus Ex Machina route and deliver something that, while probably more appealing, was far less satisfying.
Though it doesn’t have much to say that hasn’t been said about the current political climate or the Middle East, “Body of Lies” is a solid, entertaining genre picture.
Crazy Random Happenstance 